Suicidal Tonight

I haven't felt this low in a long time. Okay, maybe it's been going on for awhile, I don't know. It feels worse tonight.
This isn't about going for a run, reading a book or even watching a movie to make me feel better. I honest to God want to off myself. I probably won't but the thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. Every waking day I think of ways to do it. I go into the woods and think that's the perfect spot. I wish I could do it in a way so that no one will find me. I won't be a mess to clean up. I just want to be gone from everyone's lives. I want to just walk off this planet. As if I never existed. Because that's how I feel being alive. Like I don't exist.
It's not about changing my life or anything. It has nothing to do with people, places, or things. I don't want to live anymore. I personally don't know why I feel this way. I feel so many things. I look back on this ridiculous year. It sucked. It sucked so hard. I'm not going to fully complain. There were many life lessons I've learned the hard way. I feel like I'm hanging on by a shred of sinew. My heart is bleeding internally. Why does it have to bleed. Why doesn't it just kill me. Maybe because it's waiting for me to make the first move.
I've been trying to distract myself from the feelings; like everyone tells you to do in these situations. I'm currently reading "Eldest" but I can't focus. I keep thinking of dying. It's a broken record. It won't shut it's darn mouth.

I HATE LIFE

To be frank; I don't care how awful it is that I air my "dirty laundry" online. If I feel like it I will do it. What does it matter, I'll die anyway. It won't matter then. To be honest I don't see it anymore. I hate to feel that way but I've always known it. I can't help that I'm a depressed/angry/suicidal person. This feeling that I can't explain even to my grubby self. It's been with me since I was a kid. My stuff has and always will be the balm that soothes.
Humans obviously s*ck at it. I can't rely on anyone to be there. I know they "say" they are but not in the way that I need them to be. I don't think I even know what I want from someone. I know it's wrong to expect God-like traits out of humans; that's the first rule in "humanology." But for crying out loud, we humans are all we have for each other. Why can't I expect some level of God-like traits in someone? Why is it that everything I want and feel is wrong?! It makes me so angry.
When people confide in me they don't expect God-like traits. They just like me there to listen to them b*tch. When I need someone it's "oh you have it soooo easy. you have no reason to feel the way you do." stfu. I didn't ask for your analysis.
Why is it wrong when I feel the way I do but it's totally okay for anybody else to be at rock bottom. Why does everyone expect me to always be the foundation for sanity when I'm the most insane tree hugger alive.
I love being a tree hugger. I like bonding with nature. It's the only place where I feel connected to the real center of what's going on with the planet. I'm beginning to know the secret. It's not something that can be written but felt. I've never felt it with a person. Perhaps I never will.
That's another topic I'd like to delve in on another day. Maybe talk to myself about why I am the way I am and why no one finds me appealing.  Not my words; theirs. It's always theirs. Never good enough...never can hit that bar...never quite there...but ohhh I could reach it if I tailored myself to their "standards..."

God, I hate...everything. Myself more. It's not a freaking self esteem, self-confidence, blah blah bullsh*t story everyone tells me. I literally loathe my existence. Not because of how I look or my station in life; just because.

Ugh whatever. I'm done ranting and p*ssing and moaning all night. Because oh wait - did I just complain?! OMG I complained. HOW DARE I WHEN OTHERS HAVE IT SOOOO MUCH WORSE THAN I DO!!! OMG!!!
....gtfo and stfu

Missing my soulmates

Lately I've been really missing my grams. My great-gram and my gram (dad's mom). I've been crying pretty much all day when I think about them.
I miss our conversations. I didn't get to know my gram too much because she was always busy and I regret that. Don't get me wrong, I spent a lot of time with her, it's just...I didn't get to know her at a deep-deep level that I have with my other grams.
 The best thing that I ever did was see her when I graduated in June 2011. She had a card for my sister and I. We went to her house and talked for a good hour about everything, just for fun etc. When we would leave we always hugged and said I love you. I wrote her a thank you note for my graduation card/money. I mailed it Friday. We lived in the same town so it arrived the next day. She died on Sunday. I was devastated.
The only good thing was that she got my letter literally before she died and that we said I loved you at the last time seeing each other. My dad told me that she loved my letter. She told him that she was planning on having me spend a few nights and spend some time together. A knife to the heart would have hurt less. I cried my eyes out when he told me that. I craved time with her and knowing she wanted that made me cry more...even to this day. It pains me to think about it. I'm just, BEYOND glad she got it before she died. It literally means more to me than anything on this planet.

My great-gram. Good lord, she was my best friend. We divulged out souls to each other. We wrote letters for years and years. I still have them. Rereading them brings her back to me.
I could listen to her talk for days. Sometimes it felt that she could talk for days. I really enjoyed it. Hearing about the 20's 30's 40's 50's like it was yesterday really made the past seem real to me, though I wasn't there.
I miss her. When she got older I would "babysit" her (we wouldn't call it that). She made the best mashed potatoes and shrimp in the world. No one could top it.
I miss her company most of all. I always felt wanted around her. I miss her so much.

It's a tough day for me, I don't know what's wrong. I'm just really lost right now and they always were there for me.

Ugh, I've been sick for three days. I feel a lot better after throwing up eight times yesterday. I may even be up to running 7 miles this morning. Never know.
Lately I've been using this road that state is turning into a preservation. It's like YES! No cars, no people (that often) my uncle drives up there with his four-wheeler, but oh well. I won't get run over by my crazy neighbors that drive 45 on a 30 road.
It's all good for that.

Darkness

It's been pretty messed up lately. I've been pretty messed up lately. There is a heaviness that has gotten very hard to deal with. The worst of it started around last year in the spring. November was pretty much hell. December, ugh don't get me started on December. It really felt like I was gonna end it all at that point. Heck, I feel that way even now as I write. It is getting worse as the days progress.
Every day I woke up it was dark; so f*cking dark. The weather didn't help the mood either, but that really doesn't matter to me. Even on sunny days I tend to feel worse. Why does the earth be yellow when I'm so gray.
I'm not one that blames people for my issues. The one thing I will say is living and dealing with negative people constantly really wears on your soul.
I'm also not where I want to be in life. No, I'm not just sitting around waiting for it to fall in my lap, so take that accusation and shove it. I'm working really hard to get to where I wanna go. I'm sick of relatives comparing me to there stupid successful kids. I'm so glaaaad that you're precious children went to freaking college, have a car, etc. I just got my license like, 6 months ago. I don't have a car yet. I'm saving. But I will. I guess I feel rushed by everyone. It's like they're pushing me to be someone soon; I'm 25 I should be doing something great by now blah blah blah. I don't/can't work on their time table. I'm doing what I can with what I have.
For your information: not everyone is meant to be great; maybe I'm one of those people.

I want out as soon as possible. I cannot stand living with...I don't know, everything.
I'm so sick and tired of everyone, and I mean everyone, picking on my way of life. Sure it's different than the average person but it's been my life since I was 4-years-old. Show some respect you piece of sh*t. Just because we live off grid doesn't mean we're animals. Yet, everyone I meet thinks we're trailer trash, pigs, weird, mental...and all that jazz. SHUT YOUR MOUTH, or I'll shut it for you with a swift celestial comet coming from space.
I'm just tired of it all. Obviously I won't live like that when I'm on my own, but for now it's something I have to live with until I am able to support myself. Until then, shut your pie holes you pieces of sh*t.

Life just...ugh, I don't know.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm not stupid, I know life is supposed to blow, but it's kinda hard to accept.
All I see is my parents, relatives and friends of the family struggle and complain about everything. It makes me realize that I really don't want to continue living on this god-forsaken planet. It really isn't worth it whatsoever. I've weighed every option and even with the small achievements that I managed to reach (i.e. getting my license and a job). It still doesn't make me happy like I thought it would.
I know peace is a frame of mind, but it doesn't exist with me. Seriously, nothing I ever do makes me happy. I am sick of reaching for high after high only to not be happy for a good amount of time.
I go through the motions of "every day" without actually doing anything to further myself in my dreams and the stuff I wanted to do.
I just don't wanna live anymore, d*mn it.

Milestones

I'm not one to embrace change. Accepting it is harder. It's difficult for me; I'm such a routine kind of person, obviously to the point of hating that a vase is moved from it's intended spot.
I know a lot of people don't like change or accept it either.
In my case, I know of not one person that feels like I do about this. Every relative or  friend in my life embraces change and loves it. I can't understand it. It just baffles me.

Currently I'm really trying to accept that my sister may marry this guy she's been "dating" a year. She said they will before she's 25. That's three years from now.  They've been talking about it and also looking at houses.
My cousin got married last summer and her sisters' accepted it quickly etc.
It's a little different in my situation. I was homeschooled with my siblings since 1996. We have literally been together 24/7 365. While my other relatives went to public school, they had their own life away from their siblings. While I basically was near them all the time. They feel like my kids more than my siblings actually.
Maybe I'm not all "there" mentally, maybe I still have a twelve-year-od mindset that just cannot stand detachment. I don't know!
All I know is that I'm really trying to used to this. Maybe I just need to start getting my own life.

I just know I need to work on my Maid of Honor speech in the upcoming 1-2 years.

A quote that I found one day was "Change is never painful. Only resistance to change is painful." -Buddha. Boy is that true!

I hope Buddha said that, because nowadays you never know the true source.

ANYWAYS...the point is. I am a terrible person when it comes to change.
I've held myself back from a lot because I get really scared, or I think the new change will somehow alter my existence's purpose.
After I discovered this quote I've literally repeated it to myself every time I feel the anxiety of change arise. 

It has helped more than anything I've ever tried. 

Like, I have driven for the first time 9 days ago. The anticipation of getting behind the wheel terrified me mentally; I wanted to skip out and not deal with the negative feelings I was experiencing. Then I remembered that I will never advance in life if I keep being a "chicken." I then drove 35 miles that day.
This past week I've driven probably 100 miles total. 

To my family it's like "oh finally she's working on getting her license blah blah." 

I've always wanted it but it's more than that. I actually think I can't do the things I want to. 

To me it's not really about getting my license, it's more doing the thing(s) I didn't think I could do. 

Right now that's driving.
Next I want to try getting a different job.

There's so much I want to do, I need to work on achieving them, and stop being so apprehensive about everything.

Because you know what, I'm going to die some day and none of my fears will have mattered. I just need to do something.

Keep it up

Again, I am back after another...three-month hiatus. Geez, I am such a slacker. I haven't really amounted to much other than work and some school.
Math has become a problem, pun not intended, but it sounds too coincidental so I might as well say it SHOULD be intended.
I forgot to mention that Ink Master season 4 will on in three more days, people! I am really excited to see this seasons artists. I hope there's a guy that was like Clint Cummings and Joshua Hubbard. Those two are my inspirations for life. They make me feel like I could do anything if you don't give two-Scheiß about anyone's opinion. It's amazing where you can find your inspiration. I've found mine in the strangest places. But you know what? They've all helped and to this day I live by something I've heard on the radio when I was 10. So...you never know who could influence you or how you could influence someone else. Don't get too caught up in your own world and selfish desires, you might just help someone.

November Already

I am back after my five month hiatus. I can't believe I haven't typed an article in awhile. It seemed like yesterday I did but apparently that was this summer.

I recently "joined" a writing site so I could enter some contests but they haven't gotten back to me. I'm ticked off because I really wanted to be crazy with my writing "skills." I should check later on that. 

Ink Master came and went. I didn't do any reviews on it like I did on season two. I shall keep up to date on the next season. I"m thrilled there actually is a fourth season coming up. 

I'll be writing back soon.

Being stuck and confused

There is not a feeling on this earth that compares to being behind your peers. Whether you are 18 or 99 we all have peers and we are either ahead of the game or behind them.
I belong in the latter category. My cousins and other peers I know, all have graduated college, a full-time job, have boyfriends, married, having kids or all at once.
I still live at home, have a seasonal type job (most wouldn't consider it a job until winter gets here), I've never had a boyfriend; or shall I say I've never had a guy interested in me before, and I don't have my license (partly because I don't want one right now) it doesn't mix well with my anxiety; believe me I've tried. Disaster. I almost had a meltdown while driving; I couldn't take it.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is: What am I going to do about my situation? Sitting around certainly isn't the option I'm going to use. My anxiety has taken over many things in life. I can't leave my house without palpitations, I can't talk to people, I can't eat in public, I can't even go out to the movies and have a good time. But it won't take the obsession I have to succeed away. To my family and random people I am a "free loader" "bottom feeder" or "lazy person who doesn't have goals." I can see how I give that impression. I don't like talking about what I want to do because I always get the same response "How would you be able to do that if you can't even use the telephone?" Very encouraging, thanks.

I don't know. I'm just confused with life and what I was meant for. I'm sick of being the only one I know who doesn't know why they're here. I know there are many out there, but I personally don't know any.
The only things that make sense TO ME are studying math, the Bible, and the sky.
I hate not knowing what my existence means.

Get Real. I know the truth

Have you ever paid attention to what someone REALLY thinks of you when you make them angry? Whether you do it intentionally or just accidentally step on their feet the truth always reveals itself.
*Personal disclaimer*: The whole "You can't say that; because people say a lot of things in anger they don't mean if they weren't angry." I'm sorry but that isn't true in my book, the facts always come out when you're mad, if it weren't than there wouldn't be a reason to be mad in the first place. Why would you bring something up that is totally irrelevant to whatever you're mad at calls you a bunch of stuff? That's why I think what anyone tells you in anger is truly 100% what they feel about you.

It never ceases to amaze me how often I discover the truth in how someone TRULY feels about me until they are mad at me. I can't speak for everyone because some people just don't have the "gift" in being aware of people's true intentions. I read once that when you can read people and can tell what they want from you by their words and body language etc etc. that is a gift, apparently. I don't want to sound like a narcissist but I do think it's an intellectual gift that has aided AND cursed me on many paths in my life. It's awesome to know what someone wants you to say or do by just "reading" them. It's also a huge pain when YOU truly want to do something for yourself but you can't. etc.

Back to the "feelings" aspect. Yes, I have found how relatives truly think of me. All I have to do is interact with them on a lifetime basis and when they reach a point of frustration the truth comes out. Today is a perfect example. I spent the night at my Gram's house so I could go to my cousin's bridal shower (which was fun by the way). I stayed an extra two nights and my sister came to pick me up unbeknownst to Gram; although I did tell Gram she was doing so the night before, I guess she didn't remember. Anyways the point is she was mad that she bought all this snack food the night before so I could eat it down there. When I left she's like "did you bring your ice cream and pizza?" I said no I was leaving it there for later she said "jokingly" "Well f*** on you then." I said "well I have to weed the garden and stuff," then she's like "I hope you get roasted out there." I was like "I know right?" just to neutralize the mood.
I have so many occasions where people have called me things and said things that are relevant to how I feel about myself. i.e. being called fat and ugly, being called a f****** retard. the list goes on and on.

That's my experience with it and so far it all corrects my theory. I doubt I'm the ONLY person in the world who experiences this and has realized what really goes on.

A woman’s body is not for you. If she wants to cover it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. If she wants to expose it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. It is not an indication of her self-respect, but an indication of her preferences for whatever reasons she chooses — none of which are your business or concern.

“I would never be part of anything. I would never really belong anywhere, and I knew it, and all my life would be the same, trying to belong, and failing. Always something would go wrong. I am a stranger and I always will be, and after all I didn’t really care.”

—	Jean Rhys, Smile Please: An Unfinished Autobiography

What does comparing get you anyways? NOTHING.

“Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn't move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn't right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn't meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren't like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.” - Daniell Koepke

The Middle

In life there are tons of annoying places you can be; the middle is one of them. You're neither forward nor backward and that's the worst one position to be in.

I'm fed up of being in the middle and trying to figure myself out. I'm tired of wrestling with myself; wondering if I'm ever going to amount to something. I know it's up to me how I live and I'm not looking for help from my family to get the ball rolling for me. I just won't tolerate that. I hate that they assume I'm waiting on them to get me started in life. I need to clarify that with them as soon as possible I know that. I'M the one that's going to do that. I'm sick of everyone looking down on me because I don't reach the modern standards of "college" and "career" etc. I'm also tired of people mocking me because I'm not successful like their precious “babycakes.”

I know my parents think I’m sitting around the house waiting for some guy to marry me. That’s their view from a biblical standpoint. I don’t want that to happen. It’s angering that they have different standards for every sibling. My sister is outgoing and confident so she’s assumed to go out there and get the man and be a prestigious person (which she is). My brothers are supposed to become some John Wayne stereotype that gets a job in some agricultural position. Yet, I am viewed 100% differently than every one of my siblings. It angers and frustrates me to the point of being nuclear. I’m “supposed to wait at home until the man I’m supposed to marry comes along, supports me, gives me many babies, I homeschool and stay at home with them and we all live happily ever after.” That is NOT how I envision my future. I know I make a lot of noise about “I can’t wait to have sex, I can’t wait to get this or that hot guy” but that’s just it, it’s all TALK. That’s just some passion that’s embedded in my chromosomal matter that has no realism in the significant plans I have for myself. Be realistic here, I’m sure Thomas Edison had passion with his first test but he knew he would have to do a lot more to succeed. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m just a typical female that mentally yearns for a guy. It’s not even a want; it’s just the ridiculous biological urge every person gets. I’m not even serious about getting a guy ever.

I wish my parents would stop babying me, treating me different than my other siblings, and also to stop holding me to this standard of being the next “Virgin Mary.” I’m sick of being on this pedestal they created; I want to be my own person with my own thoughts, ideas, and convictions.  If they would let me do that and stop being so smothering.  Maybe I wouldn't be in this mental state of mind.