The Middle

In life there are tons of annoying places you can be; the middle is one of them. You're neither forward nor backward and that's the worst one position to be in.

I'm fed up of being in the middle and trying to figure myself out. I'm tired of wrestling with myself; wondering if I'm ever going to amount to something. I know it's up to me how I live and I'm not looking for help from my family to get the ball rolling for me. I just won't tolerate that. I hate that they assume I'm waiting on them to get me started in life. I need to clarify that with them as soon as possible I know that. I'M the one that's going to do that. I'm sick of everyone looking down on me because I don't reach the modern standards of "college" and "career" etc. I'm also tired of people mocking me because I'm not successful like their precious “babycakes.”

I know my parents think I’m sitting around the house waiting for some guy to marry me. That’s their view from a biblical standpoint. I don’t want that to happen. It’s angering that they have different standards for every sibling. My sister is outgoing and confident so she’s assumed to go out there and get the man and be a prestigious person (which she is). My brothers are supposed to become some John Wayne stereotype that gets a job in some agricultural position. Yet, I am viewed 100% differently than every one of my siblings. It angers and frustrates me to the point of being nuclear. I’m “supposed to wait at home until the man I’m supposed to marry comes along, supports me, gives me many babies, I homeschool and stay at home with them and we all live happily ever after.” That is NOT how I envision my future. I know I make a lot of noise about “I can’t wait to have sex, I can’t wait to get this or that hot guy” but that’s just it, it’s all TALK. That’s just some passion that’s embedded in my chromosomal matter that has no realism in the significant plans I have for myself. Be realistic here, I’m sure Thomas Edison had passion with his first test but he knew he would have to do a lot more to succeed. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m just a typical female that mentally yearns for a guy. It’s not even a want; it’s just the ridiculous biological urge every person gets. I’m not even serious about getting a guy ever.

I wish my parents would stop babying me, treating me different than my other siblings, and also to stop holding me to this standard of being the next “Virgin Mary.” I’m sick of being on this pedestal they created; I want to be my own person with my own thoughts, ideas, and convictions.  If they would let me do that and stop being so smothering.  Maybe I wouldn't be in this mental state of mind.