I HATE LIFE

To be frank; I don't care how awful it is that I air my "dirty laundry" online. If I feel like it I will do it. What does it matter, I'll die anyway. It won't matter then. To be honest I don't see it anymore. I hate to feel that way but I've always known it. I can't help that I'm a depressed/angry/suicidal person. This feeling that I can't explain even to my grubby self. It's been with me since I was a kid. My stuff has and always will be the balm that soothes.
Humans obviously s*ck at it. I can't rely on anyone to be there. I know they "say" they are but not in the way that I need them to be. I don't think I even know what I want from someone. I know it's wrong to expect God-like traits out of humans; that's the first rule in "humanology." But for crying out loud, we humans are all we have for each other. Why can't I expect some level of God-like traits in someone? Why is it that everything I want and feel is wrong?! It makes me so angry.
When people confide in me they don't expect God-like traits. They just like me there to listen to them b*tch. When I need someone it's "oh you have it soooo easy. you have no reason to feel the way you do." stfu. I didn't ask for your analysis.
Why is it wrong when I feel the way I do but it's totally okay for anybody else to be at rock bottom. Why does everyone expect me to always be the foundation for sanity when I'm the most insane tree hugger alive.
I love being a tree hugger. I like bonding with nature. It's the only place where I feel connected to the real center of what's going on with the planet. I'm beginning to know the secret. It's not something that can be written but felt. I've never felt it with a person. Perhaps I never will.
That's another topic I'd like to delve in on another day. Maybe talk to myself about why I am the way I am and why no one finds me appealing.  Not my words; theirs. It's always theirs. Never good enough...never can hit that bar...never quite there...but ohhh I could reach it if I tailored myself to their "standards..."

God, I hate...everything. Myself more. It's not a freaking self esteem, self-confidence, blah blah bullsh*t story everyone tells me. I literally loathe my existence. Not because of how I look or my station in life; just because.

Ugh whatever. I'm done ranting and p*ssing and moaning all night. Because oh wait - did I just complain?! OMG I complained. HOW DARE I WHEN OTHERS HAVE IT SOOOO MUCH WORSE THAN I DO!!! OMG!!!
....gtfo and stfu