Suicidal Tonight

I haven't felt this low in a long time. Okay, maybe it's been going on for awhile, I don't know. It feels worse tonight.
This isn't about going for a run, reading a book or even watching a movie to make me feel better. I honest to God want to off myself. I probably won't but the thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. Every waking day I think of ways to do it. I go into the woods and think that's the perfect spot. I wish I could do it in a way so that no one will find me. I won't be a mess to clean up. I just want to be gone from everyone's lives. I want to just walk off this planet. As if I never existed. Because that's how I feel being alive. Like I don't exist.
It's not about changing my life or anything. It has nothing to do with people, places, or things. I don't want to live anymore. I personally don't know why I feel this way. I feel so many things. I look back on this ridiculous year. It sucked. It sucked so hard. I'm not going to fully complain. There were many life lessons I've learned the hard way. I feel like I'm hanging on by a shred of sinew. My heart is bleeding internally. Why does it have to bleed. Why doesn't it just kill me. Maybe because it's waiting for me to make the first move.
I've been trying to distract myself from the feelings; like everyone tells you to do in these situations. I'm currently reading "Eldest" but I can't focus. I keep thinking of dying. It's a broken record. It won't shut it's darn mouth.