I'm not one to embrace change. Accepting it is harder. It's difficult for me; I'm such a routine kind of person, obviously to the point of hating that a vase is moved from it's intended spot.
I know a lot of people don't like change or accept it either.
In my case, I know of not one person that feels like I do about this. Every relative or friend in my life embraces change and loves it. I can't understand it. It just baffles me.
Currently I'm really trying to accept that my sister may marry this guy she's been "dating" a year. She said they will before she's 25. That's three years from now. They've been talking about it and also looking at houses.
My cousin got married last summer and her sisters' accepted it quickly etc.
It's a little different in my situation. I was homeschooled with my siblings since 1996. We have literally been together 24/7 365. While my other relatives went to public school, they had their own life away from their siblings. While I basically was near them all the time. They feel like my kids more than my siblings actually.
Maybe I'm not all "there" mentally, maybe I still have a twelve-year-od mindset that just cannot stand detachment. I don't know!
All I know is that I'm really trying to used to this. Maybe I just need to start getting my own life.
I just know I need to work on my Maid of Honor speech in the upcoming 1-2 years.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A quote that I found one day was "Change is never painful. Only resistance to change is painful." -Buddha. Boy is that true!
I hope Buddha said that, because nowadays you never know the true source.
ANYWAYS...the point is. I am a terrible person when it comes to change.
I've held myself back from a lot because I get really scared, or I think the new change will somehow alter my existence's purpose.
After I discovered this quote I've literally repeated it to myself every time I feel the anxiety of change arise.
I've held myself back from a lot because I get really scared, or I think the new change will somehow alter my existence's purpose.
After I discovered this quote I've literally repeated it to myself every time I feel the anxiety of change arise.
It has helped more than anything I've ever tried.
Like, I have driven for the first time 9 days ago. The anticipation of getting behind the wheel terrified me mentally; I wanted to skip out and not deal with the negative feelings I was experiencing. Then I remembered that I will never advance in life if I keep being a "chicken." I then drove 35 miles that day.
This past week I've driven probably 100 miles total.
This past week I've driven probably 100 miles total.
To my family it's like "oh finally she's working on getting her license blah blah."
I've always wanted it but it's more than that. I actually think I can't do the things I want to.
To me it's not really about getting my license, it's more doing the thing(s) I didn't think I could do.
Right now that's driving.
Next I want to try getting a different job.
Next I want to try getting a different job.
There's so much I want to do, I need to work on achieving them, and stop being so apprehensive about everything.
Because you know what, I'm going to die some day and none of my fears will have mattered. I just need to do something.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Keep it up
Again, I am back after another...three-month hiatus. Geez, I am such a slacker. I haven't really amounted to much other than work and some school.
Math has become a problem, pun not intended, but it sounds too coincidental so I might as well say it SHOULD be intended.
I forgot to mention that Ink Master season 4 will on in three more days, people! I am really excited to see this seasons artists. I hope there's a guy that was like Clint Cummings and Joshua Hubbard. Those two are my inspirations for life. They make me feel like I could do anything if you don't give two-Scheiß about anyone's opinion. It's amazing where you can find your inspiration. I've found mine in the strangest places. But you know what? They've all helped and to this day I live by something I've heard on the radio when I was 10. So...you never know who could influence you or how you could influence someone else. Don't get too caught up in your own world and selfish desires, you might just help someone.
Math has become a problem, pun not intended, but it sounds too coincidental so I might as well say it SHOULD be intended.
I forgot to mention that Ink Master season 4 will on in three more days, people! I am really excited to see this seasons artists. I hope there's a guy that was like Clint Cummings and Joshua Hubbard. Those two are my inspirations for life. They make me feel like I could do anything if you don't give two-Scheiß about anyone's opinion. It's amazing where you can find your inspiration. I've found mine in the strangest places. But you know what? They've all helped and to this day I live by something I've heard on the radio when I was 10. So...you never know who could influence you or how you could influence someone else. Don't get too caught up in your own world and selfish desires, you might just help someone.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
November Already
I am back after my five month hiatus. I can't believe I haven't typed an article in awhile. It seemed like yesterday I did but apparently that was this summer.
I recently "joined" a writing site so I could enter some contests but they haven't gotten back to me. I'm ticked off because I really wanted to be crazy with my writing "skills." I should check later on that.
Ink Master came and went. I didn't do any reviews on it like I did on season two. I shall keep up to date on the next season. I"m thrilled there actually is a fourth season coming up.
I'll be writing back soon.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Being stuck and confused
There is not a feeling on this earth that compares to being behind your peers. Whether you are 18 or 99 we all have peers and we are either ahead of the game or behind them.
I belong in the latter category. My cousins and other peers I know, all have graduated college, a full-time job, have boyfriends, married, having kids or all at once.
I still live at home, have a seasonal type job (most wouldn't consider it a job until winter gets here), I've never had a boyfriend; or shall I say I've never had a guy interested in me before, and I don't have my license (partly because I don't want one right now) it doesn't mix well with my anxiety; believe me I've tried. Disaster. I almost had a meltdown while driving; I couldn't take it.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is: What am I going to do about my situation? Sitting around certainly isn't the option I'm going to use. My anxiety has taken over many things in life. I can't leave my house without palpitations, I can't talk to people, I can't eat in public, I can't even go out to the movies and have a good time. But it won't take the obsession I have to succeed away. To my family and random people I am a "free loader" "bottom feeder" or "lazy person who doesn't have goals." I can see how I give that impression. I don't like talking about what I want to do because I always get the same response "How would you be able to do that if you can't even use the telephone?" Very encouraging, thanks.
I don't know. I'm just confused with life and what I was meant for. I'm sick of being the only one I know who doesn't know why they're here. I know there are many out there, but I personally don't know any.
The only things that make sense TO ME are studying math, the Bible, and the sky.
I hate not knowing what my existence means.
I belong in the latter category. My cousins and other peers I know, all have graduated college, a full-time job, have boyfriends, married, having kids or all at once.
I still live at home, have a seasonal type job (most wouldn't consider it a job until winter gets here), I've never had a boyfriend; or shall I say I've never had a guy interested in me before, and I don't have my license (partly because I don't want one right now) it doesn't mix well with my anxiety; believe me I've tried. Disaster. I almost had a meltdown while driving; I couldn't take it.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is: What am I going to do about my situation? Sitting around certainly isn't the option I'm going to use. My anxiety has taken over many things in life. I can't leave my house without palpitations, I can't talk to people, I can't eat in public, I can't even go out to the movies and have a good time. But it won't take the obsession I have to succeed away. To my family and random people I am a "free loader" "bottom feeder" or "lazy person who doesn't have goals." I can see how I give that impression. I don't like talking about what I want to do because I always get the same response "How would you be able to do that if you can't even use the telephone?" Very encouraging, thanks.
I don't know. I'm just confused with life and what I was meant for. I'm sick of being the only one I know who doesn't know why they're here. I know there are many out there, but I personally don't know any.
The only things that make sense TO ME are studying math, the Bible, and the sky.
I hate not knowing what my existence means.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Get Real. I know the truth
Have you ever paid attention to what someone REALLY thinks of you when you make them angry? Whether you do it intentionally or just accidentally step on their feet the truth always reveals itself.
*Personal disclaimer*: The whole "You can't say that; because people say a lot of things in anger they don't mean if they weren't angry." I'm sorry but that isn't true in my book, the facts always come out when you're mad, if it weren't than there wouldn't be a reason to be mad in the first place. Why would you bring something up that is totally irrelevant to whatever you're mad at calls you a bunch of stuff? That's why I think what anyone tells you in anger is truly 100% what they feel about you.
It never ceases to amaze me how often I discover the truth in how someone TRULY feels about me until they are mad at me. I can't speak for everyone because some people just don't have the "gift" in being aware of people's true intentions. I read once that when you can read people and can tell what they want from you by their words and body language etc etc. that is a gift, apparently. I don't want to sound like a narcissist but I do think it's an intellectual gift that has aided AND cursed me on many paths in my life. It's awesome to know what someone wants you to say or do by just "reading" them. It's also a huge pain when YOU truly want to do something for yourself but you can't. etc.
Back to the "feelings" aspect. Yes, I have found how relatives truly think of me. All I have to do is interact with them on a lifetime basis and when they reach a point of frustration the truth comes out. Today is a perfect example. I spent the night at my Gram's house so I could go to my cousin's bridal shower (which was fun by the way). I stayed an extra two nights and my sister came to pick me up unbeknownst to Gram; although I did tell Gram she was doing so the night before, I guess she didn't remember. Anyways the point is she was mad that she bought all this snack food the night before so I could eat it down there. When I left she's like "did you bring your ice cream and pizza?" I said no I was leaving it there for later she said "jokingly" "Well f*** on you then." I said "well I have to weed the garden and stuff," then she's like "I hope you get roasted out there." I was like "I know right?" just to neutralize the mood.
I have so many occasions where people have called me things and said things that are relevant to how I feel about myself. i.e. being called fat and ugly, being called a f****** retard. the list goes on and on.
That's my experience with it and so far it all corrects my theory. I doubt I'm the ONLY person in the world who experiences this and has realized what really goes on.
*Personal disclaimer*: The whole "You can't say that; because people say a lot of things in anger they don't mean if they weren't angry." I'm sorry but that isn't true in my book, the facts always come out when you're mad, if it weren't than there wouldn't be a reason to be mad in the first place. Why would you bring something up that is totally irrelevant to whatever you're mad at calls you a bunch of stuff? That's why I think what anyone tells you in anger is truly 100% what they feel about you.
It never ceases to amaze me how often I discover the truth in how someone TRULY feels about me until they are mad at me. I can't speak for everyone because some people just don't have the "gift" in being aware of people's true intentions. I read once that when you can read people and can tell what they want from you by their words and body language etc etc. that is a gift, apparently. I don't want to sound like a narcissist but I do think it's an intellectual gift that has aided AND cursed me on many paths in my life. It's awesome to know what someone wants you to say or do by just "reading" them. It's also a huge pain when YOU truly want to do something for yourself but you can't. etc.
Back to the "feelings" aspect. Yes, I have found how relatives truly think of me. All I have to do is interact with them on a lifetime basis and when they reach a point of frustration the truth comes out. Today is a perfect example. I spent the night at my Gram's house so I could go to my cousin's bridal shower (which was fun by the way). I stayed an extra two nights and my sister came to pick me up unbeknownst to Gram; although I did tell Gram she was doing so the night before, I guess she didn't remember. Anyways the point is she was mad that she bought all this snack food the night before so I could eat it down there. When I left she's like "did you bring your ice cream and pizza?" I said no I was leaving it there for later she said "jokingly" "Well f*** on you then." I said "well I have to weed the garden and stuff," then she's like "I hope you get roasted out there." I was like "I know right?" just to neutralize the mood.
I have so many occasions where people have called me things and said things that are relevant to how I feel about myself. i.e. being called fat and ugly, being called a f****** retard. the list goes on and on.
That's my experience with it and so far it all corrects my theory. I doubt I'm the ONLY person in the world who experiences this and has realized what really goes on.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A woman’s body is not for you. If she wants to cover it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. If she wants to expose it, she should feel free and safe in doing so. It is not an indication of her self-respect, but an indication of her preferences for whatever reasons she chooses — none of which are your business or concern.
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