Suicidal Tonight

I haven't felt this low in a long time. Okay, maybe it's been going on for awhile, I don't know. It feels worse tonight.
This isn't about going for a run, reading a book or even watching a movie to make me feel better. I honest to God want to off myself. I probably won't but the thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. Every waking day I think of ways to do it. I go into the woods and think that's the perfect spot. I wish I could do it in a way so that no one will find me. I won't be a mess to clean up. I just want to be gone from everyone's lives. I want to just walk off this planet. As if I never existed. Because that's how I feel being alive. Like I don't exist.
It's not about changing my life or anything. It has nothing to do with people, places, or things. I don't want to live anymore. I personally don't know why I feel this way. I feel so many things. I look back on this ridiculous year. It sucked. It sucked so hard. I'm not going to fully complain. There were many life lessons I've learned the hard way. I feel like I'm hanging on by a shred of sinew. My heart is bleeding internally. Why does it have to bleed. Why doesn't it just kill me. Maybe because it's waiting for me to make the first move.
I've been trying to distract myself from the feelings; like everyone tells you to do in these situations. I'm currently reading "Eldest" but I can't focus. I keep thinking of dying. It's a broken record. It won't shut it's darn mouth.

I HATE LIFE

To be frank; I don't care how awful it is that I air my "dirty laundry" online. If I feel like it I will do it. What does it matter, I'll die anyway. It won't matter then. To be honest I don't see it anymore. I hate to feel that way but I've always known it. I can't help that I'm a depressed/angry/suicidal person. This feeling that I can't explain even to my grubby self. It's been with me since I was a kid. My stuff has and always will be the balm that soothes.
Humans obviously s*ck at it. I can't rely on anyone to be there. I know they "say" they are but not in the way that I need them to be. I don't think I even know what I want from someone. I know it's wrong to expect God-like traits out of humans; that's the first rule in "humanology." But for crying out loud, we humans are all we have for each other. Why can't I expect some level of God-like traits in someone? Why is it that everything I want and feel is wrong?! It makes me so angry.
When people confide in me they don't expect God-like traits. They just like me there to listen to them b*tch. When I need someone it's "oh you have it soooo easy. you have no reason to feel the way you do." stfu. I didn't ask for your analysis.
Why is it wrong when I feel the way I do but it's totally okay for anybody else to be at rock bottom. Why does everyone expect me to always be the foundation for sanity when I'm the most insane tree hugger alive.
I love being a tree hugger. I like bonding with nature. It's the only place where I feel connected to the real center of what's going on with the planet. I'm beginning to know the secret. It's not something that can be written but felt. I've never felt it with a person. Perhaps I never will.
That's another topic I'd like to delve in on another day. Maybe talk to myself about why I am the way I am and why no one finds me appealing.  Not my words; theirs. It's always theirs. Never good enough...never can hit that bar...never quite there...but ohhh I could reach it if I tailored myself to their "standards..."

God, I hate...everything. Myself more. It's not a freaking self esteem, self-confidence, blah blah bullsh*t story everyone tells me. I literally loathe my existence. Not because of how I look or my station in life; just because.

Ugh whatever. I'm done ranting and p*ssing and moaning all night. Because oh wait - did I just complain?! OMG I complained. HOW DARE I WHEN OTHERS HAVE IT SOOOO MUCH WORSE THAN I DO!!! OMG!!!
....gtfo and stfu

Missing my soulmates

Lately I've been really missing my grams. My great-gram and my gram (dad's mom). I've been crying pretty much all day when I think about them.
I miss our conversations. I didn't get to know my gram too much because she was always busy and I regret that. Don't get me wrong, I spent a lot of time with her, it's just...I didn't get to know her at a deep-deep level that I have with my other grams.
 The best thing that I ever did was see her when I graduated in June 2011. She had a card for my sister and I. We went to her house and talked for a good hour about everything, just for fun etc. When we would leave we always hugged and said I love you. I wrote her a thank you note for my graduation card/money. I mailed it Friday. We lived in the same town so it arrived the next day. She died on Sunday. I was devastated.
The only good thing was that she got my letter literally before she died and that we said I loved you at the last time seeing each other. My dad told me that she loved my letter. She told him that she was planning on having me spend a few nights and spend some time together. A knife to the heart would have hurt less. I cried my eyes out when he told me that. I craved time with her and knowing she wanted that made me cry more...even to this day. It pains me to think about it. I'm just, BEYOND glad she got it before she died. It literally means more to me than anything on this planet.

My great-gram. Good lord, she was my best friend. We divulged out souls to each other. We wrote letters for years and years. I still have them. Rereading them brings her back to me.
I could listen to her talk for days. Sometimes it felt that she could talk for days. I really enjoyed it. Hearing about the 20's 30's 40's 50's like it was yesterday really made the past seem real to me, though I wasn't there.
I miss her. When she got older I would "babysit" her (we wouldn't call it that). She made the best mashed potatoes and shrimp in the world. No one could top it.
I miss her company most of all. I always felt wanted around her. I miss her so much.

It's a tough day for me, I don't know what's wrong. I'm just really lost right now and they always were there for me.

Ugh, I've been sick for three days. I feel a lot better after throwing up eight times yesterday. I may even be up to running 7 miles this morning. Never know.
Lately I've been using this road that state is turning into a preservation. It's like YES! No cars, no people (that often) my uncle drives up there with his four-wheeler, but oh well. I won't get run over by my crazy neighbors that drive 45 on a 30 road.
It's all good for that.

Darkness

It's been pretty messed up lately. I've been pretty messed up lately. There is a heaviness that has gotten very hard to deal with. The worst of it started around last year in the spring. November was pretty much hell. December, ugh don't get me started on December. It really felt like I was gonna end it all at that point. Heck, I feel that way even now as I write. It is getting worse as the days progress.
Every day I woke up it was dark; so f*cking dark. The weather didn't help the mood either, but that really doesn't matter to me. Even on sunny days I tend to feel worse. Why does the earth be yellow when I'm so gray.
I'm not one that blames people for my issues. The one thing I will say is living and dealing with negative people constantly really wears on your soul.
I'm also not where I want to be in life. No, I'm not just sitting around waiting for it to fall in my lap, so take that accusation and shove it. I'm working really hard to get to where I wanna go. I'm sick of relatives comparing me to there stupid successful kids. I'm so glaaaad that you're precious children went to freaking college, have a car, etc. I just got my license like, 6 months ago. I don't have a car yet. I'm saving. But I will. I guess I feel rushed by everyone. It's like they're pushing me to be someone soon; I'm 25 I should be doing something great by now blah blah blah. I don't/can't work on their time table. I'm doing what I can with what I have.
For your information: not everyone is meant to be great; maybe I'm one of those people.

I want out as soon as possible. I cannot stand living with...I don't know, everything.
I'm so sick and tired of everyone, and I mean everyone, picking on my way of life. Sure it's different than the average person but it's been my life since I was 4-years-old. Show some respect you piece of sh*t. Just because we live off grid doesn't mean we're animals. Yet, everyone I meet thinks we're trailer trash, pigs, weird, mental...and all that jazz. SHUT YOUR MOUTH, or I'll shut it for you with a swift celestial comet coming from space.
I'm just tired of it all. Obviously I won't live like that when I'm on my own, but for now it's something I have to live with until I am able to support myself. Until then, shut your pie holes you pieces of sh*t.

Life just...ugh, I don't know.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm not stupid, I know life is supposed to blow, but it's kinda hard to accept.
All I see is my parents, relatives and friends of the family struggle and complain about everything. It makes me realize that I really don't want to continue living on this god-forsaken planet. It really isn't worth it whatsoever. I've weighed every option and even with the small achievements that I managed to reach (i.e. getting my license and a job). It still doesn't make me happy like I thought it would.
I know peace is a frame of mind, but it doesn't exist with me. Seriously, nothing I ever do makes me happy. I am sick of reaching for high after high only to not be happy for a good amount of time.
I go through the motions of "every day" without actually doing anything to further myself in my dreams and the stuff I wanted to do.
I just don't wanna live anymore, d*mn it.